In real life as opposed to the movies, things don’t always turn out happily ever after. Husbands leave, wives die, children take jobs in states half way across the country, which leaves some folks in their late to upper fifties and beyond, seeking companionship. There was a time when the church or the dreaded singles dance would have taken care of meeting someone. Friends with good intentions can sometimes be relied upon to introduce a potential date or friend or whatever label is most suitable in the current state of affairs, so to speak. But for those who are brave, intrepid and have computer skills there are alternatives. There are web sites devoted to finding everyone a partner.
There are sites that cater to very specific demographics too, there’s Christian Mingle for example, fairly self explanatory unless you are not a Christian. But perhaps you are seeking someone who is, to see what it’s like. Then is it false advertising to join such a site? Is there a Christianity test to be passed before one can join the divine site to find true love with a like minded and vetted person? These questions are yet to be answered. There is a site called Our Time, just for those of a certain age let’s say, over fifty for the sake of honesty. You can find a mate online in almost as many categories as you can conjure. There is one just for farmers called…Just for Farmers, not as creative as they might have been but one can hope they make up in hay what they lack in feed.
There is Match.com which upon investigation appears to be easy to navigate, has a reasonable fee and allows you to look before you make a date commitment. Most of the online dating services do that. You can log-in and conduct a search just to see whom you know in your neighborhood, who is looking. Sometimes that can prove eye opening, when you discover that Mr. Jones who is married is also seeking the companionship of a politically aligned woman whose size and looks are of no concern to him. E-Harmony attracts members with their filmy love-laced television commercials showing perfectly matched couples frolicking on a beach or walking hand in hand down a charming city street. These matches are made according to the intake application, through careful screening processes that take you deep into your psyche to reveal your truth and to reveal to others who you really are and what you really are seeking in a partner. Heavy stuff. Then there are deep-specialty sites. For those into the Sci-Fi world or those who wish to find travel partners, for those who seek a mate for sports and of course, just lunch. Even those who need a buddy to walk along side them in a journey through cancer. All this can be attained simply by clicking on the right site, telling the truth and being willing to take a little risk.
Carolina, not her real name, found herself looking at age 60. She is fair-haired and slim, attractive, active and not particularly interested in marrying again. She has been there and done that. “My husband left for pastures elsewhere,” she says “and I was thrown for a bit of a loop.” After a bitter year of wrangling through the financial quagmire she was left in, she began a journey of a very different kind. “After the shock and the pain, I realized that for the first time in almost 40 years, I was my own boss. I could go anywhere in the world, live the way I wanted to and paint my house purple if that was my choice.” she adds, laughing. With children grown and living independently Carolina realized that she would like to have a special friend to join her in social gatherings, for travel sometimes and for all those places where it seems that one must be part of a couple to be most comfortable. She went to Match.com, completed the survey and paid with a credit card. All this took almost two hours. She also made a choice to look for date candidates who lived at least an hour from her home, so that if things didn’t work out she wouldn’t have to bump into him at the grocery store. The first meeting is important too, Carolina chose a coffee shop for lunch. This was also a smart move, plenty of people she knew in her own comfort zone. A public place is always smart so that if things go horribly wrong there are plenty of known helpers in close proximity. “I wouldn’t suggest that you meet for dinner in the evening or for a meeting that involves alcohol for the first date. You want to have your wits about you.” she says. After a few meetings with nice fellows who were simply not a good match, Carolina found a great guy who turned out to be nothing like what she thought she was looking for, but who was smart and funny and enjoyed much of the same aspects of life that she did. She was very clear up front about her expectations and that helped him to understand that she was not husband hunting but rather seeking a friend for companionship.
Helen, who suddenly became a widow at age 45 was devastated for more than a year, she had a good job but it was not enough to continue living in the house that two salaries had been paying for. The first step for her was to sell the house and move to something more manageable. “This process was daunting, I had no thoughts at all about dating; just getting through the day was all I could manage.” She waited another year then her adult children began to suggest that she look for a friend. She went straight to E-Harmony and while she says she found the intake questionnaire to be complicated and time consuming, she’s glad she went that route. “I was surprised at how well the system worked, I met a great guy, also a widower, who really understood what I had gone through; he was very patient with me and I with him.” They dated sporadically, about once a month, and the first time they met Helen took two friends with her for safety reasons. “I was not very sophisticated about the whole thing,” she says “but he liked that, so I guess it worked out. We have been very happy for more than a year now.”
Both women make the same suggestions, take your time, try different sites to find the one that works best for you, just like your mother told you, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince. And be safe. They both met their potential dates in public places during the day; they also suggest telling the folks at the meeting place what you are doing, so that a waiter or barista can keep an eye on you. They also said that seeing a profile on line is not always the same as meeting a person in the flesh. Photographs can be enhanced and a person can tell a lie or two about their age, job stability or financial situation. The rules for men looking for that special someone are much the same. Honesty really is the best policy. Rick, who lost his wife to infidelity after a thirty year marriage was very hesitant to get back in the game. “I really didn’t trust anybody and had low self esteem.” he said. A good friend pointed out that his online profile, a self description of who you are and what your interests are, which might entice those who are seeking your companionship to make the call, send the e-mail or otherwise attempt to engage you in social interplay, was miserable. “He pointed out that my rambling sad story was not any way to put myself “out there”, so we tweaked it to show my hobbies and my wishes for the future which were much more positive.” Rick met several women and found it much easier than he had anticipated, he too suggests that you start slowly and make sure that you are open about what you are looking for. “If you want a husband I’m not that candidate, but if you want to go fishing or take in a movie and dinner, I’m your guy.” he says. When I was growing up, back in the dark ages my mother always said there was a lid for every pot, it would seem she was right and that most of us can find that special someone if we are patient and smart enough to look in all the places available to us in this modern age of digital dating. There is risk, but there is risk to living. Unless you are willing to take a little risk you may never live your second chapter.
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