Two Peas in an Automotive Pod

Both my husband and my son are pilots. Both my husband and my son own old, junky cars, as well as the well-kept, modern vehicles they drive daily and provide for their spouses. They are both tall, talented and funny men. They love burgers and baseball and they are extremely good at things no one ever taught them to do. They are clean shaven and tidy about their personal habits, they do not inflict unkempt nastiness upon either of us, their adoring wives, they will eat almost anything you put in front of them and take you out to dinner if it’s not in the stars for you to cook tonight. They are almost perfect. 

But these cars. The Captain’s is a ’41 Chevy and you have to write it and say it that way, never does one utter the full 1941, it simply isn’t done. It’s a ’41 Chevy. It used to be light blue and was the first car owned by his grandfather. It has enormous, personal, family history, taken as it was to college by two other brothers but left, in fact willed to the Captain by grandma Zimmerman. Due to a stint in the army which required the Captain or the Warrant Officer as he was then, to reside in far away exotic places such as Louisiana and Washington State, for a time the car was stored in the barn of a kindly uncle. There it was left to rest.  And to rot, and to rust, home to many a rodent and hundreds of birds and a dozen or more cats, none of whom felt any compunction about soiling its every surface with the remains of their day. There were nests built and fights for life fought with equal regularity; battles won and lost over food, territory and the right to abide. Fast forward another twenty years or so and the kindly uncle retired and wished for his barn space to be recovered. Perhaps his lovely wife was asking for the removal of the now unsightly gargantuan residing front and center in their erstwhile beautiful barn. 

With reluctance I agreed to its being towed to our place. Allow me to elaborate, our dream home. Ten acres purchased from the same uncle’s farm upon which we constructed a home that we designed and built to our every detailed specification. A home to accommodate our five children and various pets. A home built around ample closet space, three garages and a place for everything. Gentrified landowners now, our homestead would also require the purchase of a tractor. Every pilot’s secret ambition is to be a farmer. So where to put the car. In the garage of course says the Captain, then as soon as funds are made available (By whom? The antique car fairie or the state lottery?) I can restore it. The girls can ride in homecoming parades, I can drive them to their proms in it, they can use it in their weddings, it’ll be a thing of beauty, was his enthusiastic reply. Well what kind of wife and mother is going to nix that? Certainly not I. I’m not crushing the wistful dreams of an indulgent, loving father. So there it came to rest in 1989 and there it continues to lapse into the depths of mechanical and upholstered decay. The astronomical cost of raising said daughters and their brother left little spare cash, much less anything that would come close to the cost of a restoration of the beast. Even our son referred to it once as an eyesore, for which I am eternally grateful as it pertains to my case building for ridding ourselves of it. 

But the flame of hope burns eternal, the Captain still dreams of the great restoration to come, the holy grail for which is now a television show where contestants are chosen to be the recipient of a team of experts who come to your home, retrieve the beast and return it to a pristine condition at no cost to the owner other than the invasion of your privacy to televise the entire undertaking. Bring it. 

When the junior bird man was a third degree or underclassman at a certain academy he was allowed a car. He and the Captain purchased a 2001 Jeep Cherokee. The last year this particular type was made, it is a small tank by anyone’s standard. Living as he did in Colorado there was ample space and opportunity for off-roading which became his new passion. You know how it is with youthful males in a military setting, a certain overabundance of testosterone is evident and if left unchecked can grow to alarming heights. He had the thing custom jacked of course with all sorts of hydraulic accoutrements that defy description. He loved, at the time to listen to angry rap music which was afforded a national audience by the installation of four 200 lb speakers all tuned to bass high. So this chariot would boom and thunder its way up a mountain to disturb nature’s peace and charge back down again at alarming rates of speed all to the giddy amusement of unfettered male youth. Understand, unlike the smooth ride afforded the ’41 in its day this was no romance machine. He was the envy of all at the academe as we called it. Upon graduation and in the midst of flight school he and other brilliant young men thought they’d drive it on a cross country road trip as a sort of reward for all their hard work. All went surprisingly well until a sudden massive downpour in Mississippi resulted in a flash flood. The men came upon a rivulet of fast moving water that defied, to most reasonable persons, a crossing possibility. All of them looked at this body of water, they hemmed and hawed using their vast, expensive and high calibre education, agreed they could “take it”. They hopped back into the Jeep, floored it in four wheel drive and……sank like a rock. There is even a name for this, says the Captain, it's called swamping it. So having admitted defeat, calling in a professional towing service they made one last heroic attempt to restore their manhood by offering assistance to the towers. One game young feller going as far as to dive down under the Jeep to try and hook up the winch installed for four wheeling rescue. Fail.  

Upon it’s arrival in Pennsylvania the smell of rotting carpet and upholstery was unbearable, the thick sludge that had permeated every soft place in the car was infused with a sort of death vapor, the likes of which would never leave the vehicle. Even after a very expensive and thorough cleansing the car still has a lingering malodorous stench to it that leaves one leaning out of the window on an early December morning just to catch one’s breath. We had to sit on trash bags for a couple of years as it dried, finally sealing in the permanent pong. Orders did indeed come taking our boy to far away places over oceans which the Jeep could not cross so of course it has taken up residence at the family abode. In the driveway where all who visit can enjoy the great hulking mass of it with that huge bumper that sort of smiles at us whenever we approach. People often comment on it, asking reasonable questions like why, ten years after graduation do we still harbor this beast. Well, I say, his wife certainly doesn’t want it in their driveway!  The registration was the first thing to expire followed quickly by the tires and then the insurance. So now it has taken on a new position as the second of two sad, rotting useless “cars” that live at our house. I suppose in the great scheme of things they are no worse than my penchant for shoes or Christmas ornaments both of which are immune to counting. But if you have any pull with that TV show let me know, I have a pretty good story for them. 

Imprinting Thanks

It is the day before Thanksgiving and most of those who are coming are here. The youngest and the eldest are in from the southern climes, one had a violent episode with a gastrointestinal hiccup and the other is in bed having come from the urgent care facility with bronchitis. The children, six and three are playing in four inches of snow without boots, hats, or gloves. Their father is chaperoning this endeavor in borrowed but still unsuitable attire. I have made four breakfasts and I've lost count of the lunches thus far. The dog is lying in an exhausted heap on the kitchen floor, un-used to such a level of attention and fun, not to mention noise and wicked good opportunities for dropped food. She is happy. I woke the Captain up at 2:00am to inform him that I forgot to buy cranberry sauce yesterday so he is charged with that, plus the epic drive of more than an hour each way to the airport to pick up more southerners. Snow is coming down at about an inch per hour. Perfect. Son and wife making it in from warmer latitudes.

It's quiet, I made pastry for the pies and am about to peel 30 lbs of potatoes while there is a lull in the cafeteria traffic that has become my kitchen. Lots of crafting going on today, a beautiful paper leaf wreath made by my grand daughter with guidance from her teacher auntie. Marker stains all over the island and dollops of glue to hold them in place. I have conveniently forgotten what this was like when there were five of them at home. The Captain invariably away on a trip and hopefully returning to us just in time for dinner. I used to do all this prepping and cooking while holding down a job outside the home too. I must have been mad.

Why do we do this? Perform these massive rites of feasting and forced family fun. Because we love each other that's why. Because when your sister walks in the door and you hug her and laugh and make a joke that only the two of you understand you are imprinting. You are telling one another and reminding yourself that you belong. This is your clan, these are your people. It is worth every grueling drive through hazardous conditions, every delay at an airport, every forgotten vital piece of make up, electronic equipment or shoes just to get here, where you belong. You belong to us and we to you, and you to each other. We stamp approval and acceptance all over one another as we hug, kiss and remember. Every bite is gravied with the support that only comes from knowing you have a place.

I served a dinner to poor families this year in an effort to give thanks and appreciation for all that I have. I was met with gratitude and happiness. I was thanked and it was obvious that all those attending, whether as volunteer cooks and servers or diners were meant to be somewhere else. They did not belong, they had no connection so visceral as our family and yours at Thanksgiving. It was humbling in its ability to ground me in the reality that not everyone is as fortunate as I. Not everyone is out worrying about the perfect sides to go with the picturesque bird. Many in our community suffer the outsider label, they don't belong. It's worth thinking about them and what you can do to help and how you may only be a step, a job loss, a diagnosis away from the same fate.

Where are the Candles?

This is not new to me, I have been decorating this house since 1989. I have photographed it every year and for the most part kept things pretty much the same. I have of course added some new items from time to time and retired others as needed. I am not one of those great mums who hung onto every ornament my children made, let’s be honest here, there are five of them and between sporadic periods of religiosity where they created little Marys and Josephs, boy scouts, girl scouts and school, where I understand all things Christmas have been replaced by a more pagan and nebulous albeit in-offensive Winter Holiday now, they must have created a hundred or more “ornaments.” From paper plates, popsicle sticks, glue and glitter. And felt, remember felt? Each brought home with a grin, a prideful question mark on each little blighter’s face asking if it could take pride of place on the tree. Yes, of course it could….for about 20 minutes. Then frankly I got sick of celebrating around a tree that was famous for its smell of old glue and animal bits found on nature walks and later turned into treasures. I began to long for brightly coloured ornaments that shone and sparkled but were not made from snot and  macaroni. I wanted a designer tree, like the ones in magazines. I wanted to have a Martha flippin’ Stewart tree. As a mother of five, sometimes things just hit you that way. Bang crash…

“This is why we can’t have anything nice!”

And so it began, the captain suggested that I have a second tree and purchase spiffy ornaments of my choice so that the super-glued, kid friendly monstrosity could be left for the children to continue to express their creativity. That was really all it took for me to begin the journey that has ended in there being no less than seven Christmas trees in our home. I can’t even lie and say I didn’t notice, it was not stealth but rather grim determination that got us here. I was on a mission once begun, to have themed trees in each room and the madness continues. As people in your life realize that you have a small obsession with anything they fall loyally into one of two categories. They begin to purchase you something for the collection for every birthday or other gift worthy occasion or they try to put a stop to it. In my case the former has taken on a life of its own. From one or two snowmen perched cheerily atop a shelf in the family room we now own what has been christened the boyfriends of Christmas past shelf, containing about twenty snow men in every shape and size, each one gifted over time upon recommendation from one of our four daughters. The Santa that made its way to a book case now has at least thirty cousins in resin, pottery, wood and various other mediums, again all gifted over time to evolve into a Santa grave yard of epic proportions. There are Santas tumbling out of drawers and flying in a tin airplane (yes another theme; aviation of course!) I have tiny little Santas that sit jauntily beside tiny Christmas trees and Santas from foreign lands collected lovingly from Boscov’s every year. There are Santa pilots and Santa military men each gifted in honor of the two aviators in our family.

I will not bore you with the details of the contents of the many, many plastic bins in the Christmas closet, the basement and the laundry room. Don’t judge, where’s yours? Suffice it to say it takes a great deal of planning to execute the appearance of a casual Smith Christmas with a few nice things artfully placed, it takes a gargantuan effort of at least three days to haul it to each room and display it all just so. It is then photographed and shown to the captain to whom the task will fall should I meet with an untimely demise, to re-create it for the children. His constant and never failing response to this is to inform me that he will set fire to all of it if I go first. How many of those arguments have you had!! 

Today, some four days after Thanksgiving I thought it would be nice to just make a start and place the candles in the windows. You know, the electric kind, that have timers on them and make your home look warm and inviting in the winter snow. We built this house with those in mind, there is a double outlet under every single window in our home, I am so proud of that. I must admit it was the captain’s idea however, not mine. Credit where it’s due. But I love that I don’t need extension cords and can have the wires neatly tied up in a small bundle just under the sill. Just the way Martha would have done it if she weren’t such a bitch and therefore not married to someone great like the captain! All our candles plug into the lower of the two outlets and can all be turned on at once with the flip of a light switch as one enters or leaves the room. Brilliant. I have a system, usually, when putting all the detritus of the holidays away, but last year we had extra dogs as guests, as well as people, and something must have snapped, I must have had a few too many eggs of the nog, I don’t really know but when I began the search for these window candles they were completely lost to me. I spent more than three hours rifling through bins and tubs, each labeled in indelible marker with helpful sentences that say things like “Kitchen window sill, east 2009” or “Bay window, 2010, needs fresh pine cones.” Where did I put the candles? Why did I not place them all in one box clearly labeled? Now, a bourbon and ginger ale later I sit amidst the chaos I have created in the fruitless search, still no candles. But I am struck by the stories behind all the “mess” The memories of these little gifts given over three decades of a great marriage and a wonderful family. I am bliss-filled and melancholy all at once, another holiday will come and go, gifts will be given, new memories will be made and through it all the sameness and the newness will be a constant. Oh look at that… here’s the Easter bunny I couldn’t find this spring, maybe I’ll look there for the candles!

My Favourite Holiday

Just back from the airport and having said a speedy farewell to the last of our family visitors I  should be feeling a little relief. After all, no more massive meals to cook, no more five loads of laundry per day, no more tiptoeing around delicate issues or tricky personalities. We all have those moments when we are fearful that the wrong thing will be said to the wrong person, the faux pas are often mine as viscerally, I still think of them as my children while logically, I know they are their own adults by now. 

But what I feel is supremely grateful. For such a large family we all get along really well, we rarely argue over anything big, anything that would be a game changer, we bicker like everyone who loves is wont to do, but as a rule we like each other, respect one another’s opinions and express them freely. I know how difficult it is to get everyone in the same place at the same time, they partner up and marry and these other people make demands on them to be present for their family traditions but somehow, once again, they all made it home for thanksgiving in one piece and sailed through the confines of their family home, filled as it is with memories and past indiscretions. They flew, they drove, they overcame bronchitis and two trips to emergency health-care facilities. They dragged huge suitcases and supplies for two small children, they drove in rain and snow, they came early, late, and in the middle of the day. Thankfully they brought no extra pets this year, a blessing for which both my dog and I are grateful. They dutifully ventured to their grandparents homes to say hello, catch up on news and share more memories, and they did it all without being asked. 

They played in the snow, they played with their niece and nephew and took over a little of the care for them so that momma could rest, she with the bronchitis. They played checkers and watched a movie or two and they cleared their dishes, helped set the table many times and respected the rules of the mud room. They let the dog out when need be and they said please and thank you. They were quiet in the early mornings, they went to bed at reasonable hours and let us know if they’d be home late so we could rest between bouts of cooking and laundry. 

Am I surprised? No, of course not, these are all adults in grown-up jobs with grown-up relationships of their own, it’s just that I am still so grateful that we put in the work to raise them this well. That they listened, when perhaps we thought they didn’t, that they understood when they failed to respond, that those decades of investing our time, patience and not an insignificant amount of money have paid off in full. For anyone who is raising teenagers and wondering when that phase will end, I offer you the solace of time. Keep repeating yourself, they are paying attention, keep showing them what being in love, remaining in love and working at a loving relationship looks like. Like sowing high quality seeds in good dirt, the results are worth the wait. 

This holiday of thanks is the favorite for many, but form me it is my life’s greatest reward and it keeps coming every year. I don’t have to make or buy gifts, I don’t have to worry about getting it right. I just clean up, make room and cook. A lot! And they come home, they show love and respect and have fun, and they teach me again that having this family of ours is the greatest gift I have ever been given. And now let’s nip into the Christmas closet to begin the seamless transition!