Boys to Men

Oh Boy, it’s a Boy.

Remember when a baby was on its way and you didn’t know the gender until it actually arrived. I was always a big fan of that, I felt it gave the Captain something to do down there. ”Well done, great job, breath, you look amazing and it’s a…” Now of course women know the gender of their babies long before they are born, and I’m sure it makes planning everything so much easier, buying the right color sheets and layette etc, does anyone say layette anymore? All very important for the first time mums. Painting a room if you are lucky enough to have one and getting all those little details just right. We had two girls by the time we were expecting our son and we really hoped for a boy but would have been just as happy for another girl. We wanted another child not just a baby and not JUST a boy. The Captain was excited at the possibility of a son, I think. He knew how much he loved his girls, what they made him feel, as a man and as a dad, but the mystery for both of us in a son, was yet to be revealed. 

Before he was born folks gave us blue onesies and little sleepers with airplanes on them, it seemed everyone knew this would be a boy. I was enormous, he was two weeks overdue and it was August. He rushed into the world a huge 9 lb 7oz behemoth and he took our breath away. He was astonishingly beautiful, far too pretty to be a boy, he had a mass of dark hair and we had to cut his fingernails as soon as he arrived. He was wrinkled and spongey like a little old man who had been in the tub too long. But within days he turned a shade of yellowish pink that was stunning, he was loud and demanding. I could never take him anywhere without people making a point to tell me how beautiful he was. It was disarming, our girls had been pretty babies, we thought, but this need to comment had not struck otherwise blasé onlookers. We took to calling him Boy because I think we were a little thrilled with the fact of his gender, I remember the Captain peeking into the diaper to confirm this and with a good deal too much pride, complimenting himself on the handiwork of his son’s remarkable set of family jewels. I didn’t want to tell him that all little boys are quite swollen at birth. 

I think we spoke in different tones to him, we didn’t squeak and miniaturize our voices, we talked with this addition as if he were a small man born with a complete understanding of all things manly, “Good job buddy, nursed like a champ.” “Yeah, you fill that diaper, good man.” Later on I can remember thinking about not treating him differently than I had the girls but he behaved so differently it was a natural response to that, which found me saying things like, “No buddy that’s not a gun it’s a stick, don’t push, ask for more space, be patient, wait for everyone to catch up with you.” They are different, my daughter tells me all the time how different our grandson is from his sister and how surprised she is at that. Our son’s injuries were more often sustained from leaping off of things and making his own mountains whereas the girls were more sports and accident related. 

As time marched on we taught him different things too, how to be gentle, how to treat women, how to love. These were shown to him by his father, I never had to tell him that you don’t shout at your wife, he was shown this. I never had to teach him to be considerate, to fill the tank with gas if you use the family car, to wash it if you get the chance, to keep up with the oil changes and the insurance. Not that my girls didn’t learn all this too but they grew up watching a very giving dad take care of business in his role as their father and my husband. I hope my son continues this legacy of things learned from a good man. He’s about to be a dad, to a boy no less, so I am also watching him gain more and more excitement at this prospect. I think because he had such a great dad he’ll also be one. For those men out there who didn’t get such a good start in life who may be lacking in this area I would highly recommend the Duluth Trading Company, a Men’s Catalogue. Everything about the descriptions of their products from shit, shower and shave soap to fragrances such as Victory: the smell of fresh cut grass, will help teach a man to be a man. Their extra long shirts that cover the ubiquitous butt crack and go on to tell you why that’s important, are not to be missed. 

Men learning to be men from men is a good thing I think. I spent a lot of time talking with inmates during a period when I was teaching a pre-release course at a Federal Boot Camp facility, and I found the greatest missing piece of their life puzzle was a good dad. And of course they almost all went on to be terrible fathers, sperm donors mostly, just creating a life and leaving it. Many of them had four and five children to two or three different women. It was cross cultural, and in many cases not something they even thought of as wrong, or sad until we really began to discuss the affect of being fatherless which they chose to perpetuate. We didn’t solve anything, I don’t flatter myself that, but we had some great discussions. The most interesting aspect of that time in my professional life was listening to these men tell their similarly sad stories and finally figure out that they were really hurting because of this dearth in their lives. I remember a guy told me he didn’t know how to do so many little things, use a screwdriver properly, hold a hammer, a saw, or to paint. He didn’t even know to shave, he said, until he came to prison and another, older man taught him. 

The Captain is the eldest of five, four of whom were boys, they not only had a great dad but a very present grandfather and a ton of uncles in close proximity. My kids were raised in this same climate and I think it makes a huge impact on how they function. They are not very selfish, they know the smallest thing in the room is the most important, and they look out for one another in ways that still surprise me. They can fight with each other like the world will end tomorrow, but they do come to terms, they reach compromise because they know if they don’t, they’ll lose the most important aspect of begin human, which is to be connected to your people. I can’t wait to watch my son become a dad, I think he’ll do a wonderful job. My heart breaks for all the little ones out there who are on their way and won’t have a great father. Let’s hope they have terrific mums who can cover both bases and will subscribe to the Duluth Trader Men’s catalogue for the missing bits!